An Aspirin
by Mandy Kay Miller
Summary: Behind the scenes of Lizzie McGuire. Odd, lame, and immature.


A/N: WARNING: THIS FIC IS STRANGE! I think everyone knows, but if you didn't, Adam Lamberg = Gordo, Hilary Duff = Lizzie, and Lalaine = Miranda. And I mentioned Jake Thomas who = Matt. Victor is the director, aka Vic. Oh, and I apologize to the entire cast of Lizzie McGuire for this because I made Hilary and Lalaine ditzes and Adam (gosh, he's cute!) looks like a spoiled brat. My sorces tell me that the entire cast are actually nice people. Oh, and I don't own them, nor do I own Slim Fast or Clean and Clear or anything else that I mentioned.

"Does this make me look fat?" Hilary asked Adam. "Be honest."

"No! Of course it doesn't! You've been on Slim Fast for 20 years, nothing can make you look fat!" Adam shook his head as he started away, but heard Hilary call after him.

"I've been on it for 5 ½ years, thankyouverymuch!"

Adam walked up to Victor. "Why does Hilary get a fashion consultant?" he asked.

"Oh, man. We've been through this before, Adam. She _needs_ one because her character-"

"Blah blah blah! Character shmaracter! _I WANT A FASHION CONSULTANT!"_

"The only reason you don't have one is because Gordo doesn't care about fashion. We go to Goodwill and see what's there. End of story."

Adam glared at the director. "Lalaine gets one, too."

"Again, her character-"

Adam held up his hand and shook his head. "Just… get me one, OK? Tom Cruise has one, Adam Sandler has one, _I WANT ONE!"_ With that, he stormed away.

Vic shook his head and headed to Lalaine's makeup room. He knocked. "Lalaine? We're starting in 5."

"5 DAYS!" came a cry.

Vic blinked. "Um… no. 5 minutes."

"5 days! I'm waiting till this zit goes away!"

Victor rolled his eyes and opened the door. The people in Shakespeare's time had it easy… they never had to deal with women.

"Honey, you know I love you, but you're going on the show."

"Am not! Say that Miranda went on vacation or something!"

"Can't. You're supposed to start a fight in the cafeteria with Kate today, and you can't do that if you're in Maui."

"Then rerun the Aaron Carter one. They like it."

"We've shown that for the past 7 weeks. I've been promising a new one. Come on, you won't even be able to see it with your bangs covering it."

Lalaine screamed as she threw the concealer at her makeup artist Crystal. "This is your fault! I always use Neutrogena! I use Clean and Clear for _ONE_ day, and-"

"Lalaine, where's the zit?" Victor asked.

Lalaine parted her bangs and showed him the smallest, most unnoticeable zit he'd ever seen. "And it's all Crystal's fault!" she pouted.

Vic rolled his eyes. "Be out in 3." He shut the door, but heard a loud scream from the other side.

Lalaine yelled, "3 DAYS!!"

"VIC?!" Adam called from his own makeup room. Victor opened the door.

"What?" he asked.

Adam turned to face him. "Gordo doesn't like the zoo. He doesn't do zoos."

"I know, but you have to because-"

"And did you know that the tiger tore down the set?"

Victor almost retired right then and there. The Lizzie McGuire cast was the strangest, stubbornest, hardest group to work with he'd ever seen. And now even the animals were being difficult!

"All right, all right. No zoo scene."

"Good. And Vic?"

"What?"

"Well, I'm almost 19, so I started to think about some of my benefits as an older cast member. I don't see why I have to play a 13-year-old outcast."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" Vic yelled. He was getting incredibly frustrated. "YOU'RE SHORT, OK?"

Adam was on his feet in a flash. He hated being called that. "What?" he demanded.

"Short! S-h-o-t! I mean… with an "r" in there somewhere, too. I mean…" He paused, looking confused. "You're just short, OK?"

"I'll show you short! I'll pound you into the ground so low that-"

"Adam?"

"What?"

"We need to go. Time to film."

"Oh. OK." Adam walked out of the door.

Vic smiled and followed. He'd just avoided a meeting with death.

"I can't do this!" Hilary shrieked, running out of her room. "I'm too nervous!"

Vic ran up to her. "Hilary, darling, you've done tons of shows and you've never been nervous. Why suddenly now?"

"Well, I never realized that these went on _TV."_

"What? Where else would they go?"

Hilary shrugged. "I dunno. But thanks for the pep talk, Vic. I feel a lot better now!" She skipped off to the set.

"OooooooooK," Vic muttered. He followed Hilary to the set. "Where's Lalaine?" he asked.

Then Crystal came rushing up. "She told me to tell you to call her in 3. Days."

"Tell her to get out here now. With her bangs, you won't even be able to see the zit. Jake has zits!"

"Actually, I don't," Jake Thomas replied.

"Whatever! Just tell her that and maybe she'll feel better. And get her out here!'

Crystal nodded and left.

"I don't see why Gordo has to like Lizzie," Adam said. "She's 3 years younger than me!"

"Hey!" Hilary said. "Kissing you isn't gonna be a bed of roses for me either, sweetheart!"

"Kiss?" Adam demanded. "I didn't know that!"

"Did you read the script?" Vic asked.

Adam shrugged. "The zoo scene."

"The one we're cutting out?"

Adam smiled proudly. "That's the one!"

"Vi-i-i-i-i-ic!" Crystal called, rushing in. "Lalaine just wen to the emergency room!"

"What?!" Vic demanded. "Why?!"

"She told the phone doctor that her father used to be a doctor. She told him that her father told her the zit was actually a cancerous mole and she's going to have it surgically removed.

"She's going to get a _ZIT_ surgically removed?" Vic asked, finding this whole thing far too hard to believe. This was crazy!

"Yes, sir."

Vic tried his best not to scream. He breathed in deeply and said, "Get me an aspirin," right before he fainted.


End file.
